Posts Tagged depression

Time to Talk

A few years back I took the step of talking publicly about my experience of depression, as part of Time to Talk Day:

a chance for all of us to be more open about mental health – to talk, to listen, to change lives.

The responses I received to that blog post were uniformly supportive and understanding, and reinforced the message of Time to Talk Day, that so many people are struggling with issues of mental health – their own or that of people they are close to – and are grateful and reassured to find that they are not as alone as they might feel.

Since I wrote that blog post it hasn’t been plain sailing.  I didn’t really think it would be.

It’s a part of me, I think, that propensity to slip into the pit.  I stay out of it mainly by being busy enough, with lots of things I care about and that bring me joy, but not so busy that I succumb to anxiety and sleepless nights and feelings of panic.  I know the signs now, and can usually take preventative steps before I start to slip.

That holds true – but I was overwhelmed for a while, not long after writing that piece, and needed a lot of help (not just self-help) to get through.  I was lucky to find a wonderful counsellor who worked with me for almost a year to help me to develop strategies to relax, to allay panic, to feel more confident when I went into what I knew would be difficult situations.  Some of those strategies were physical – putting my arms on the table rather than crossed defensively,  with my hands open rather than clenched, and popping into the Ladies and standing, feet a little bit apart, hands on hips, shoulders back.  A little bit like…

wonderwoman

 

Body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy argues that “power posing” — standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident — can boost feelings of confidence, and might have an impact on our chances for success.

I can vouch for this. When you feel under attack your instincts are to drop your shoulders, to make yourself small (less of a target), to protect yourself physically, which stops you breathing so freely, which in turn creates or increases a sense of anxiety.  If you stand like Wonder Woman you’re changing your breathing – it’s an expansive posture.  Now, no one is suggesting that you swan into whatever situation it is that you’re dreading, and take up that stance.  That’s a hell of a sassy stance, and it might be counter-productive.  But a few minutes, in private, standing, and breathing, can help you get through what follows.

I used these approaches as survival techniques in an ongoing crisis rather than as a long-term strategy to enhance my confidence.  To be honest, outside of that situation, I didn’t lack confidence in the workplace – I knew I was knowledgeable, experienced, capable, intelligent and a good communicator.  I just didn’t know it right then.

That situation is long over, and I have had no serious brushes with depression since it was resolved.  But it contributed to my decision to retire from work, rather earlier than I might otherwise have done, and it’s made it harder for me to look back with pride and pleasure at my achievements throughout my career.

I can live with that.  I’m doing other things, things that I am unequivocally proud of.

What is becoming a bit of an issue is anxiety.  I’m more or less continuously anxious these days.  For me it’s a physical sensation, a tightness in my chest and throat, there most of the time with particularly strong twinges at seemingly random moments.  And of course at 3 am – or 5 am – things look ‘worse and worse and worse’…

Fleur Adcock – Things

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse.

http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poetry/poems/things

The tightness becomes almost painful, there’s a weight on me that’s affecting my breathing.  I can feel my heart thudding, racing, skipping beats.

The uselessness of it is infuriating.  Of the things that are on my mind, there are some about which I can take sensible action – but not at 3 am.  And often it’s a carousel of worries, round and round, from one to another, from real things that I might be right to be concerned about, to general forebodings, to things that any sensible person would not waste a moment’s panic about, round and round, on and on…

I’ve tried my usual ‘how to get back to sleep when the thoughts come crowding in’ techniques but they aren’t really working at the moment.  I have yet to meet a relaxation tape which hasn’t made me want to throw it across the room and then stamp on it very hard indeed.  Right now, the one thing I’m trying which is working – at least in the daytime – is to visualise the particular worry that’s constricting my breathing right now as a thread that I can let go of and watch it float away.

I know I’m not alone with this struggle.  But I also know I need to get better at coping with it, because anxiety at this level – and the sleepless nights that go with it – can push me into the depression that I dread.  It can also stop me doing things that I need and want to do.

Why am I sharing this?  Because I know I’m not alone, and you need to know that too.  Because we can maybe share our experiences, share the strategies that have worked for us, give each other a virtual or a real hug when we meet, remind each other that this too shall pass.

I know that my depression and my anxiety are minor irritants compared to what so many people have to deal with.  But the walking wounded, those who probably aren’t on medication, or using mental health services, may be missing out on so much joy, on the possibility of pleasurable rather than dread-filled anticipation.  And the world is missing out too, on the energy and passion and talent that we can give in so many fields, or could, if we weren’t lying awake every night with a heavy weight of anxiety pinning us down and sapping our strength.

The simplest and most important thing of all: the world is difficult, and we are all breakable.  So just be kind.
Caitlin Moran – How to Build a Girl

We need to remember that, and this:

As you look around you, in a lecture or a meeting, at a party or a gig, there will be people there, talking and laughing and making decisions and relating to those around them, who are or have been in the grip of depression or anxiety, who are struggling with or have struggled with obsessive compulsive behaviour or eating disorders, who are experiencing or have known the intense highs and lows of bipolar disorder.  You’ll never know, unless they dare to share it with you.

It’s time for change.  It’s time to talk.

time-to-talk-day-2018

time to change

https://www.rethink.org/about-us/our-mental-health-advice

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us?

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#.Wm7wnahl_IU

http://whatdidyoudowithjill.com/tag/anxiety/

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Time to Talk

I'm taking part in Time to Talk Day

I’m supporting this campaign by Rethink, to encourage people to talk about mental health.  Because it’s hard to speak about it publicly, because there is a stigma attached to mental illness which does not apply to most physical illnesses, because it feels like a weakness, because you think you’re the only one, because you’re afraid (of what you’re experiencing, and of how other people will react).

I wish I could say that ‘coming out’ in this context is always met with outpourings of support and love and help.  There’s a lot of that.

But there’s also – telling your boss you’re having treatment (medication and counselling) for depression, and her (a) telling other colleagues to keep an eye on you, (b) telling the management board that you have mental health  problems and (c) generally treating you from there on in as a problem, not a colleague who’s having a problem.  That was about ten years back – would it be different now?  It depends on the workplace, on the boss.  It’s risky, and if now I would (and do) say things publicly it’s because in the time since that dark episode I’ve gained in strength and confidence and because what happened to me then made me angry and determined to challenge those attitudes.

Of course there’s also the whole ‘pull yourself together’ thing that will surface, explicitly or implicitly.  Especially if your life circumstances don’t ‘justify’ your depression.  If bad things have happened to you, and your illness seems to be a result of that, the sympathy will probably be more straightforward.  If your life is outwardly fine, then some people – including kind, loving people – will feel that you should be able to sort yourself out.

But a lot of the stuff that deters one from talking openly is internal, not external.  No one told me I didn’t have a right to feel depressed because I was physically healthy, employed, solvent and had people who loved me.  I told myself that.   No one told me I was a failure and a mess, because, since I left the house every day washed, appropriately dressed and apparently functioning,  only I knew (for the most part) that I was a failure and a mess.    No one told me I couldn’t be really depressed because I kept leaving the house every day washed appropriately dressed and apparently functioning – that was me, telling myself that – as I read account after account of depression, hoping to see myself in there – I obviously didn’t have a serious problem and should be able to sort myself out.

How do you measure the seriousness of depression?  I was never hospitalised, I had very little time off work, I was never unable to get up and go through the motions of life.  But for a long time I had that nasty little mantra in my mind throughout my conscious day and every time I woke during the night, and for a long time I only smiled when people could see me.  For a long time I saw my life as trudging on, up hill all the way, fog and gloom all around me so that I couldn’t see where I was heading, or even see that I wasn’t alone on the path.   I wrote a poem along those lines, a very bad poem, long since deleted, but at the time it helped to write it down.  People who didn’t know me really well didn’t know – but they sensed something, or perhaps the lack of something, a spark .  I had a few job interviews during this period and the feedback suggested a lack of enthusiasm or interest in the post, a lack of dynamism and energy.

Partly, you realise how bad it’s been when it starts to get better.  When the mantra stopped.  When my smile stayed on my face after I’d shut the door, when no one but me was there.  When the fog cleared and I could see that however far I still had to trudge on uphill there was a beautiful view from where I was, and there were people alongside me.

I’m talking about this now – more publicly than I ever have before – because I’m prompted by the Rethink campaign to share my story.  And because I know that some people who know me will be surprised, and may think I’m ‘not the type’, but may therefore rethink their assumptions.   As you look around you, in a lecture or a meeting, at a party or a gig, there will be people there, talking and laughing and making decisions and relating to those around them, who are or have been in the grip of depression or anxiety, who are struggling with or have struggled with obsessive compulsive behaviour or eating disorders, who are experiencing or have known the intense highs and lows of bipolar disorder.  You’ll never know, unless they dare to share it with you.

It’s a part of me, I think, that propensity to slip into the pit.  I stay out of it mainly by being busy enough, with lots of things I care about and that bring me joy, but not so busy that I succumb to anxiety and sleepless nights and feelings of panic.  I know the signs now, and can usually take preventative steps before I start to slip.  Once you’re in there, it’s hard to get out, as Alyssa Day’s blog vividly and powerfully describes.

It shouldn’t be so hard to talk about this stuff.   It is, still, and I will press Publish on this post with more trepidation than for anything else I’ve sent out into the blogosphere.

But it really is time to talk.

 

http://alyssaday.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/on-one-writer-and-depression-aka-life.html?m=1

http://www.rethink.org/?utm_source=email&utm_medium=informz&utm_campaign=blank

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.depressionalliance.org/

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